AM I BEING ABUSED?
Abuse is not always obvious. It often begins with subtle behaviours that gradually become controlling, intimidating, or harmful. Many people experiencing abuse question their own perceptions, make excuses for their partner's behaviour, or believe they are somehow responsible.
If you are asking yourself whether what you're experiencing is abuse, trust that question.
Healthy relationships should make you feel respected, valued, and safe—not fearful, controlled, or diminished.
Remember: Abuse is never your fault.
WARNING SIGNS
Abuse is often difficult to recognise when you are living through it.
Many people expect abuse to involve physical violence, but controlling and harmful behaviours frequently develop gradually over time.
You May Be Experiencing Abuse If You:
- Frequently feel afraid of your partner's reactions
- Walk on eggshells to avoid conflict
- Feel responsible for managing their emotions
- Have become isolated from friends or family
- Feel controlled rather than supported
- No longer feel like yourself
- Constantly second-guess your thoughts and decisions
- Feel trapped in the relationship
A healthy relationship should make you feel respected, valued, and safe—not fearful, controlled, or diminished.
TRAUMA BONDING
Trauma bonding occurs when periods of abuse are repeatedly followed by affection, remorse, promises, or kindness.
The cycle of hurt and reconciliation can create a powerful emotional attachment that makes it difficult to leave, even when the relationship is harmful.
You May Feel:
- Deeply attached despite being mistreated
- Confused by your partner's behaviour
- Hopeful after every apology
- Guilty for considering leaving
- Unable to imagine life without them
Trauma bonds are a normal psychological response to prolonged abuse and do not mean you are weak or choosing the abuse.
RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS
While every relationship experiences challenges, certain behaviours may indicate an unhealthy or abusive dynamic.
Be Cautious If Your Partner:
- Is excessively jealous or possessive
- Wants the relationship to move very quickly
- Frequently checks up on where you are and who you are with
- Tries to isolate you from friends, family, or colleagues
- Becomes angry when you spend time with others
- Ignores or dismisses your boundaries
- Refuses to accept responsibility for their actions
- Blames you for their behaviour or emotions
- Monitors your phone, social media, or online activity
- Frequently criticises, humiliates, or belittles you
- Uses intimidation, threats, or guilt to get their way
One warning sign on its own may not indicate abuse, but repeated patterns of controlling behaviour should never be ignored.
HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and support.
In a healthy relationship:
- You feel safe expressing your thoughts and feelings
- Your boundaries are respected
- Decisions are made together
- Both partners maintain their independence and friendships
- Disagreements can occur without fear, threats, or intimidation
- You feel valued, supported, and respected
- Trust is freely given, not constantly tested
Unhealthy Relationships
In an unhealthy relationship, one partner may seek power or control over the other.
You may:
- Feel afraid of your partner's reactions
- Constantly walk on eggshells
- Feel controlled rather than supported
- Be criticised, blamed, or humiliated
- Feel isolated from friends and family
- Have your boundaries ignored
- Feel that your needs and opinions do not matter
- Question your own perceptions or memories
The most important question to ask yourself is:
Do I feel safe, respected, and free to be myself?SELF-ASSESSMENT
Ask Yourself
Take a moment to reflect honestly on your relationship.
- Do I feel free to express my thoughts and opinions?
- Do I feel respected by my partner?
- Do I avoid doing certain things because I fear their reaction?
- Have I become isolated from friends or family?
- Do I feel responsible for managing my partner's emotions?
- Have I lost confidence in myself since the relationship began?
- Do I often feel anxious, fearful, or trapped?
- Do I feel like I am constantly "walking on eggshells"?
If several of these statements resonate with you, it may be helpful to seek support and talk to someone you trust.
Am I Experiencing Abuse?
People often wonder whether what they are experiencing is "serious enough" to be considered abuse.
Abuse is not defined by a single incident.
It is often characterised by a pattern of behaviour intended to gain power and control over another person.
You May Be Experiencing Abuse If Your Partner:
- Uses fear, intimidation, or threats to control you
- Makes you feel responsible for their behaviour
- Isolates you from your support network
- Controls your decisions, movements, or finances
- Regularly humiliates, criticises, or belittles you
- Manipulates you into doubting yourself
- Makes you feel unsafe or afraid
If you recognise these patterns, trust your instincts.
If something feels wrong, it deserves attention.
AM I SAFE?
Your immediate safety is the most important consideration.
Ask Yourself:
- Has your partner ever threatened to harm you, your children, loved ones, or pets?
- Has the abuse become more frequent or more severe?
- Have they ever physically restrained, choked, or assaulted you?
- Do they have access to weapons?
- Have they threatened self-harm if you leave?
- Do you believe they may seriously hurt you?
- Are you afraid of what might happen if you leave the relationship?
If You Answer "Yes" to Any of These Questions:
- Your situation may be high risk.
- Consider reaching out to a domestic violence service, trusted family member, friend, or legal professional to discuss a safety plan.
- Remember: Leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes increase risk, which is why planning and support are important.
REMEMBER
Abuse is never your fault.
You deserve to feel safe.
Your concerns are valid.
Trust your instincts.
Help is available.
You do not have to face this alone.